Traveling whilst queer

Last year I wrote this piece about Queer Farming for Ambrook - you can read that here. And I interviewed a ton of people about the hardest part of farming whilst queer - and so many people shared that it’s not just the micro aggressions and then zero representation. It is really about not being equal. Not seen as such, not necessarily treated as such. And as the world feels like it is shifting and shrinking, these are the things I am thinking about as I travel around.

According to the US State Department, travelers can face special challenges abroad.

Yeah thanks, we know.

Laws and attitudes in some countries may affect safety and ease of travel. Many countries do not recognize same-sex marriage. Many countries also do not recognize the X gender marker in passports and do not have IT systems at ports of entry that can accept sex markers other than female and male. About 70 countries still consider consensual same-sex relations a crime. In some of these countries, individuals who engage in same-sex sexual relations may face severe punishment.

For instance, in the Maldives, gay sex may be punished with lashes and up to eight years in prison. In Kenya, it can bring a sentence of up to 14 years. And in Egypt, the authorities are known to throw people in jail for simply waving a rainbow flag. I could go on.

Sometimes when I am traveling or when I am making travel plans I check this handy map.

The ILGA World maps are among the most shared visual representations of how LGBTIQ people are affected by laws and policies around the world.

This is, of course, the week I see the potato munchers take up a cause against Gay Marriage (you can read about that here) - which is really just against equality. I have to think about what it will be like when they kick these things back to the states - which is a likely outcome if SCOTUS reels this one in. I have experienced this in a red state before - “we do not serve your kind here” - and yes that was illegal, but tell me what I could have done? And this is probably what will happen to more people as they travel around the US after a verdict like overturning the case of Obergefell v. Hodges (let what they said terrify you for a moment: “restore the natural definition of marriage, a union of one man and one woman.”).

Sure, I hear the argument - there are so many other issues, why is this such a big deal. And yes this is the moment where DEI efforts are disappearing. And say what you will, but for me the argument is simple: it’s only equal if it’s equal for all. It’s not equality (if you believe in that value) if we are not all included. And that goes for trans people also, you can’t only support the “normal gays” like JD Vance says, it is all of the letters and rainbow flag colors or none.

There was a time where gay people needed a guide book, a pink book of sorts, and this guide offered places to stay, or to be, cruise, or to eat etc. where you knew you could be safe. Think Green Book but for the homos. In the decades of my life progress has felt mostly forward leaning, yes in my lifetime South Africa became one of the first countries to enshrine gay rights into its constitution, America allowed for gays to marry (and I did just that at the annex to NYC’s City Hall, to my husband in 2017). And really, I have been to 140 countries and for the most part with or without husband I have felt mostly safe. Although we did get heckled in Italy, that was fun.

And now Thailand just joined with gay marriage being legal there this month, and so many other places have included equality in their way of being now.

But I somehow feel like with all that progress, there is also a little creep of regression happening. I sometimes see it whilst I am traveling - a little anti trans comment from colleagues I thought were pretty level headed at a conference I attended in Las Vegas recently. And sometimes it just happens at home, the two hate crime incidents I had in New York last year. Never in 15 years of being there had I ever experienced that on the street.

Yes it is harder for me to be less gay, than say my husband who is straight passing…yes this is all true. I flail, what can I say, I flounce and bouncey bouncey. And they assume I must like sex with men. Well, they are RIIIIIIIIGHT.

So what do we do.

Do we boycott the places that hate the gays? Do I just stick to my own state once they overturn gay rights in other states? If Laverne Cox has a Go Bag, do I need one? Do yourself a favor and listen to Kara Swisher’s interview with her: ON WITH KARA SWISHER. It made me mad, sad, and bad…

In the meantime we are planning a trip to Sri Lanka with our besties - the gays and the lesbians go colonial with touches of tea. I read this account of a gay couple traveling there. And so we decided no dutch (dutch berry weed), no touch. And we shall be ok we hope. Or we shall just pair up in our usual badminton teams - which happens to be co-ed. Mr and Ms.

But yes, can you believe we even have to think about this? But so is the reality of what it takes to go to places where the gays are less than welcome. I am not where the world is, and the elections literally everywhere across the planet are great examples of that. But let’s be clear there is no way to guarantee absolute safety on any vacation (regardless of your sexuality, to be fair). So we must live as if we want to keep on living as my grandmother used to say.

I have traveled - ohhhh soooo often - to places around the world and have felt a slight awkwardness with someone I am interacting with. And I see their face, I feel their feelings and I wonder which one of us will be holding the discomfort? Will it be me or them? Like when I check into a hotel and they want to know if my wife is coming, or when I ask for something for my husband when we are boarding the plane and I see a facial expression that is less than friendly.

We might never get to a place where it’s totally acceptable to be yourself. And we may have to endure some of these backward steps as we wait for progress to take hold. But I trust in humanity…we eventually make little schootches forward and some gay kid in nowhere-land feels safer for it. Until then, I guess it is always dependent on the situation. Perhaps I will just enjoy sharing a suite my busty badminton wife or maybe I will be kissing my husband on a deserted beach…let’s see what the destination calls for. There are times for showing up and representing, and being proud for it and then there are times where stealth is needed.

Swish swish.

Some resources

For the moment there is a great tech start up that is trying to help make travel safer for the LGBTQ+ community with a platform described as the “world's largest short-term vacation rental marketplace for gay travelers” - the site is called MisterBandB.com.

Harvard has a whole host of interesting travel resources right here.

Travel and Leisure published this piece on some gay destinations that are certainly gay friendly.

Thrillist has a list of all the states and the gay friendliest city in each.

GayCities.com - call it the “gay TripAdvisor” is helpful in finding queer-friendly neighborhoods in the world’s cities.

Also look at International LGBTQ+ Travel Association, they also offer resources for LGBTQ+ travelers.

Lebanon-based Helem is “the Arab World’s first LGBTQIA+ rights organization.” Established in Beirut in 2001, it offers community, service, and advocacy opportunities.

Oh fuck it, just go to Camp Camp and call it a day…