As a travel writer my belief is - don’t say no to any trip, and don’t go only once. Even when it comes to the open seas with thousands of people tagging along - to cruise or not cruise. I do think there is a rather robust cruise cliche. I know my grandmother would say the marketers have started to circle her. She resisted.
But hey, if I want to be an open-minded traveler, and travel writer worth my salt, I cannot scoff. Even the late David Foster Wallace went on a Caribbean cruise - he did end up writing the essay, “A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again” where he is actively “sneering at ordinary people.” And as if DFW can’t help himself: whilst waiting in a dreary waiting room with several hundred other cruise passengers, he's noting “driven-looking corporate guys . . . talking into cellular phones while their wives look stoic.” But sure, everyone’s experience is different.
So I did what any sane person would do and spent some trusty hours researching the different cruise lines. Some of them are themed, like Star Wars, or perhaps focused on a more niche audience, like gay men who love to play Scrabble or women who love to knit. I wasn’t sure how any of these activities were enhanced by being out at sea, but I was absolutely willing to find out.
I felt as a first timer, the smaller this monolith of a boat, the better for me - a shopping mall of 4000 people floating the ocean seemed a stretch for a maiden voyager like me. On the cruise websites, everyone looked utterly thrilled: they had those giant smiles I have never had, plus it seemed like everyone had their own individual seafood tower. And don’t get me started on the many, many relaxed spa faces.
According to veterans who cruise once a season, one should also get to the cruise early. You don’t want to risk missing the boat. Such deep insight. Cruise ships, like airplanes and I guess cars, or trains, come with a set of very strict rules.
From the “don’t lean over your balcony to get a better selfie”, because nobody, and I mean nobody, will even notice you down in the water, to the “please don’t wear those jeans to dinner” - actually, “I hope you packed a jacket, or even a penguin tuxedo”. Oh yes, check, check, I always travel with those.
No fuss if you didn’t bring pants, or the required attire. There is a tailor on board who can start working those hemlines right away. Personally, I felt I looked better in my jeans than in the palazzo pants I was now being fitted for, but apparently I am not making the rules here. Of course since pants take at least a few hours, the jean wearing meals you can only enjoy in your own cabin, or at the pool seated on a deck lounger. I think it’s odd to have Osso Buco pool side, or a Burrito with Pico de Gayo. But as my friend Sue and I were horrified to witness in Florida, even hot tubs are the perfect spot in which to eat Mexican food. Especially when you can just wash your hands in the water. No problem, nothing to see here.
What I haven’t told you is that I jumped onto a press trip - sometimes called a FAM, meaning a trip to make you and other travel writers familiar with the place, hotel, city etc. Oh joy. So part of being on a group trip, as I am sure many of you have done with co-workers, family members, and hopefully friends, is you cannot do everything by yourself. You are sort of required to join people - who you may or may not enjoy - for various activities. Oh look the itinerary has a group mini golf session, I simply cannot wait.
So during these group trips, there is always one lovely soul who drives everyone insane, and I mean we all know this person - it could be your very special aunt who treats you like a child, or perhaps your annoying coworker who tells those inappropriate jokes at fancy work dinners. Well you see, press trips are no different. Meet Deborah, and I have changed her name from Deb, in order to protect her identity. Among our swarm of travel writers, influencers, Deborah was the self-appointed cruise critic. She carried a clipboard to show off her “authority” (I am using air quotes here, why not).