Mars Travel Guide: How to Ghost Earth Without Regret

Over Earth’s traffic, that endless news cycle? Well, Mars is calling. Red dust, giant volcanoes and zero-gravity antics await—plus no one cares if you decide to stay forever.

Photo by Planet Volumes on Unsplash

Look, I will be honest. Earth is exhausting. Airports? Don’t get me started. Mars, on the other hand, is basically the ultimate “Do Not Disturb” sign. And that sounds so great right now at the beginning of yet another spin around the sun…

Sure, it’s cold, dusty plus slightly terrifying. But it’s also dramatic in all the right ways. Those red rocks, oooooh and canyons that could swallow a cruise ship, volcanoes that make Everest look like a teensy speed bump—Mars is everything Earth pretends to be on le socials.

Whether you’re fleeing your coworkers, your city, or just life in general, Mars has exactly what you need: no lines, no Wi-Fi, and bragging rights that make Earth vacations look so silly sad.

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Best Places to Visit on Mars

Olympus Mons – The Ego-Crushing Volcano

The tallest volcano in the solar system. Bigger than Everest, bigger than your problems, and yes, taller than any billionaire’s ambitions (looking at you my fellow Saffa, Elon). Hike it, float past it, or just stare for dramatic effect. Bonus: the nearby beaches here have fewer tourists than any of the earthly ones.

Photo by Emmanuel Hernandez on Unsplash

Valles Marineris – Canyon Goals

At 2,500 miles long, this canyon system is basically the Grand Canyon on manly steroids. Ideal for hikes, drone shots (love those!), or existential reflection. If nothing else, it’s the perfect spot to roll your eyes at humanity while taking breathtaking photos.

Valles Marineris

The Martian Poles – Ice, But Make It Dramatic

Mars has ice caps, which look spectacular against the red landscape. Wrap up, walk around contemplatively, and ignore the fact that the nearest hipster coffee shop is about 140 million miles away. I am told there are extra points if you sip freeze-dried cocktails while contemplating all of your life choices.

mars ice caps

Martian Cuisine (Bring Your Own Snacks, Seriously)

freeze dried mars food

Martian gastronomy is…ummm minimalist. Your options: freeze-dried everything, powdered drinks, and whatever snacks you smuggled past NASA. Forget fancy dining—bring chocolate, bring protein bars and maybe bring a sense of humor. Optional: pack a tiny sarcastic comment about Earth’s over-Michelin’d food. Right?

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Things to Do (Because Sitting Still Is Overrated)

• Zero-Gravity Acrobatics: Perfect for TikTok fails (because you know that’s a meaningful way to spend your life) or epic selfies (another!).

• Rover Tours: Let a machine do the hard work while you float around looking gorgeous.

• Dust Storm Adventures: Messy, dramatic and worth every cough.

• Alien Selfies: Watch closely—you may spot ET photobombing your shot. He’s got a lot of free time these days.

  

  Photo by Nigel Hoare on Unsplash

  Travel Tips (again, we need this for SEO, so here you go)

• Best Time to Visit: Whenever your spaceship is free, your oxygen tanks are full, and your patience for Earth’s nonsense has run out.

• Transport: Spaceship = Uber, Jetpack = optional (does it come in pink?)

• Packing Essentials: SPF 1000, spacesuit, snacks, who knows what else.

• Budget: Slightly more than a small country—but worth it seriously.

Suggested Mars Itinerary (more SEO!)

Day 1: Land. Stumble. Breathe. Mars is photogenic; your last Airbnb was not.

Day 2: Olympus Mons climb. Float if you can, pose dramatically for whomever is watching, or just roll your eyes at how Earth’s mountains look puny.

Day 3: Valles Marineris exploration. Explore, you know, just explore…

Day 4: Dust storm adventure. Style points awarded for keeping your spacesuit intact.

Day 5: Chill at the Martian pole. Sip freeze-dried cocktails. Ignore everything from your old life.

Photo by SIMON LEE on Unsplash

Optional Billionaire Nod

If you see a SpaceX rocket in the distance, feel free to wave politely. Mars doesn’t care about billionaires, Elon tweets, or who “gets there first.” You, on the other hand, are living your best interplanetary life.

Photo by Robin Canfield on Unsplash

And Here Are Some Of My Final Thoughts

Mars is absurd, beautiful, and perfect for anyone who wants to just a little easy escape. I am sure some travel company will be offering these trips so soon.

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